musings

I am goal-oriented. This can be a great thing, but it can hinder me. Because if I don’t see immediate progress towards the goal, it feels too big or too far to reach.

I reframed some of my thoughts around the big goal, the big vision, the big stuff. What if I made it about small, daily habits? Weekly habits? Monthly habits?

When you look back on those weeks, months, years of small progress — that’s what makes the difference.

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There’s one thing I’m really good at when it comes to creativity: signing up for classes.

Improv.

Art.

Songwriting.

Voice.

Piano.

Sailing.

But classes are just part of my fear when it comes to creativity. I’m so worried not being good enough at one of these activities that I spend my time searching for classes rather than figuring out how I can make it happen.

There’s a chart I have in my creativity journal from four years ago. Passion on one axis and confidence on the other. High passion and high confidence includes activities like my work. Skiing.

Low confidence and low passion = golf. That’s fine by me.

But it’s that quadrant that includes playing guitar (high passion low confidence) that haunts me.

Why do I spend my time being haunted? Instead of just DOING IT?

Tommy is looking at me so I’m going to try some chords on the guitar.

Doing it.

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Not in a religious sense. Or maybe in a religious sense?

My old boss was the ultimate believer. Optimist to the extreme. Sometimes we thought he was nuts, often he was brilliant. But he believed in the things we couldn’t see yet. Sometimes things would fail, other times they’d spark, most of the time they’d lead to something new or a lesson learned or a relationship or a partnership that was worth it. But the power behind this belief is what I’m interested in.

I’ve told people that finding a role that I was excited about was a real experiment in — if you believe things will work out, they just might. I didn’t go in with an agenda, a script or an overzealous elevator pitch… I just showed up, as me.

And then I got hired.

S and I talked about houses and renting and buying and we just kept going back and forth until we wondered – if we believe things will work out, will they? If we trust in this process, will it?

We can make the most of many situations. My husband has that eternal optimist thing going on a lot.

I wonder what else I can believe in.

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It feels like my brain might burst with all the things stirring in it these days. Or maybe that’s just who I am. The ideas, the questions, the hypotheses, the plans… I am taking things in at a mile a minute and wanting to produce even faster. What factors are driving the latest idea dump? 

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I’ve been thinking a lot about people lately. No, too broad. I’ve been thinking a lot about strangers recently. Yes, strangers. There’s something about a random interaction with a stranger that can sometimes light up my day.

Take the lady at the Dry Cleaners last week. I was cracking up at the fact that she was in a down coat, and a summer dress. I was jealous of the down coat because I left any sort of cardigan of mine at home… and was left in a sundress.

Or, my the woman who cuts my hair. I ADORE her. I see her once, maybe twice a year. But it feels like we’re old pals.

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