July 2019

There’s one thing I’m really good at when it comes to creativity: signing up for classes.

Improv.

Art.

Songwriting.

Voice.

Piano.

Sailing.

But classes are just part of my fear when it comes to creativity. I’m so worried not being good enough at one of these activities that I spend my time searching for classes rather than figuring out how I can make it happen.

There’s a chart I have in my creativity journal from four years ago. Passion on one axis and confidence on the other. High passion and high confidence includes activities like my work. Skiing.

Low confidence and low passion = golf. That’s fine by me.

But it’s that quadrant that includes playing guitar (high passion low confidence) that haunts me.

Why do I spend my time being haunted? Instead of just DOING IT?

Tommy is looking at me so I’m going to try some chords on the guitar.

Doing it.

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I like goals. Sometimes too much. Often too much.

I want them to be big and ambitious and challenging and exciting and…

…then I wonder why I haven’t reached them yet.

I heard this suggestion. Super simple but led to a complete “AHA!” for me:

What do you like doing?

Doing? I like doing lots of things.

Well, do more of it.

Let go of the goal for just a second.

And do something.

…doing it.

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Not in a religious sense. Or maybe in a religious sense?

My old boss was the ultimate believer. Optimist to the extreme. Sometimes we thought he was nuts, often he was brilliant. But he believed in the things we couldn’t see yet. Sometimes things would fail, other times they’d spark, most of the time they’d lead to something new or a lesson learned or a relationship or a partnership that was worth it. But the power behind this belief is what I’m interested in.

I’ve told people that finding a role that I was excited about was a real experiment in — if you believe things will work out, they just might. I didn’t go in with an agenda, a script or an overzealous elevator pitch… I just showed up, as me.

And then I got hired.

S and I talked about houses and renting and buying and we just kept going back and forth until we wondered – if we believe things will work out, will they? If we trust in this process, will it?

We can make the most of many situations. My husband has that eternal optimist thing going on a lot.

I wonder what else I can believe in.

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When friends ask how it’s going, I have one word only: surreal.

Maybe…. dreamlike.

It feels like I’m living someone else’s life and haven’t fully grasped that this is now my reality.

I’ve always loved a challenge. Still do. And this, my friends, is a challenge. Uprooting your life and moving back towards home is a BIG change. But it also means that every day feels new, and adventurous, and challenging. It means I am constantly trying to get back to “reset” in order to be present as a mom, as a human. But this feeling of home — there’s nothing like it.

I was always skeptical of geography and how important it really could be. I have always felt the pull back east. And driving on 95 — with the music blaring — feels good. Smelling salty air while at the lobster shack — it feels good. This is where I belong.

We’ve alternated our days and hours between naptimes, beach trips, errands, unpacking, lobster rolls, and hosting visitors.

Yes, visitors.

We’ve had eight visits since moving into our house two weeks ago. That feels good.

We’re home.

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